Birthdays

Hi Honey,

You know that I've never been one to need a fuss made over my birthday.  It's not that I need you here to celebrate,  I just need you.  

I have, as I have said before, become much more introspective since you left this world.   This day has given me even more to contemplate and many thoughts are running through my mind.   A birthday is more than just adding another year to what you tell people asking your age.  This birthday is my own personal New Years Day.   Today I further evaluate who I am and what I want my life to be.

First I started wondering who else has a birthday today and whether or not they have any relevance to my life.   There are many names listed on Wikipedia.  I only pay attention to the names with which I am familiar:  Jose' Ferrer, the actor;  Charles Osgood, the journalist; Elvis Presley, I need not tell you who he is; Stephen Hawking, the famous physicist; Davie Bowie, the singer.  There are many more names, some of which I know.  I don't suppose there is any real meaning to sharing a birthday with these people.  It's more coincidence than anything else.  I only found a couple of people born the same year and day.  That is more meaningful as they would be the same age as I am and would have experienced a similar time in the history of the world.

I was born on a Thursday about 10:35 pm.  The President of the United States was Dwight D Eisenhower.  A house cost about $12,400.  Gas was about 25 cents per gallon.   I was the firstborn.  My mom was 19 and my dad, 30.  I was delivered at the Caledonian Hospital in Brooklyn, NY.   So much for history.

Right now we are all the youngest we will ever be from this time forward.   Birthdays are the best time to ponder one's future.  For the last eight months, except for one adult child still living with me, I am alone for the first time in over thirty years.  It has been a very long time since I made decisions that did not affect a wife and children.   It is something to which I am still not accustomed.  It is not by any choice that I have made.  These current circumstances were simply changes that took place on their own.

Until now I have had to operate in terms of what I had to do, what I should do, what am I required to do.  It is amazing how much all this changes once the kids are grown up and your mate has moved on to Heaven.   In a way it was easier when I had fewer choices.   Choosing a home was according to the size of our family and our income.  The kind of job I held was based on how much income I needed to support my family.  It didn't matter whether I really liked it or not.   We drove a minivan so everyone could fit comfortably.   None of these things are pertinent any more.

Now all the decisions I make for the rest of my life are based on my own personal likes and dislikes.   Now I begin to ask myself what I'm doing and why.   Everyday situations and procedures are all up for evaluation.  What am I doing now because I've always done it that way?  Who am I trying to please and to whom am I obligated.

Years ago, I was conversing with a psychologist.   She pointed out that as I spoke I repeatedly used words and phrases like "should",  "must",  "have to".   She said that these were very powerful words and that many times they can be used to limit the scope of who you are or want to be.  At first I did not understand.  I had commitments and obligations that required me to do what was expected of me.  I had to make an income and take care of my family.   I realize now that although perhaps at the time, I could not make many changes without causing disruption and harm to my family, this is no longer the case.

I did not ask for my most recent set of circumstances.  Since I am here I may as well use them to decide what I "must", "should" and "have to" do and what I want to and could do.   Some of these things may still be out of my reach.  A few days ago a couple of friends asked me what I enjoy or would like to do.  I found that I struggled to come up with answers.  Most of what I imagined would require assets that I don't really have at my disposal.  Still, there is noting wrong with doing what I can and working my way up.

Throughout life we tend to become the sum of our parts.  We are defined by the job, our family members, where we live, our incomes.  I realize that now it is up to me to define who I am and who I want to be.   Many circumstances are beyond our control.  Others, we do have the power to change but we make poor choices and usually have to live with the end result.  I, like everyone else, am still dealing with the consequences of choices I've made.  I will make more mistakes.  Something that seemed like a good idea all of a sudden is not so good a minute later.  Maybe we can make corrections and maybe we can't.   No one has the power, like in the movies, to see all the possible outcomes of each decision and then choose the best.  Most of them are made spontaneously and there is not a lot of time for deliberation.  But now, the pace of life has slowed and there is much more time to consider and meditate on life and the available options.

So today on my birthday, this is what is running through my mind.  There are many diverse and somewhat disconnected thoughts.  I am working to make sense of them, then to decide what I can act upon and what I cannot.  Yes, it is a great time for reflection.

I love you honey.  Talk to you later.