On being quiet

Hi Honey,

Now that you are not here in person, my conversations with you are different.  I can have them in my mind or I can write to you like I am doing right now.  I've been writing to you since you went away.   Sometimes when I am talking with God, I ask about you.  When I am talking with you, I often switch over to God.   I am not sure if there is really a difference between talking to Him and praying.  I don't pray to you.  Since you and He are in the same place it seems expedient to talk to both of you at the same time.

I realize that since you've been gone I am much quieter.  The urge to speak aloud simply is at a minimum.  I've thought a lot about this.  While sometimes I am sad or depressed and during those times I don't tend to say much, I can be quiet and still be happy.  I guess I've always tended toward being quiet.  Even when I young I was the quiet kid.  Like other quiet kids I was ridiculed and tended to have few friends.  Often I was at the mercy of bullies because I was also smaller than others my age.

Back then I was probably too quiet.  I don't think that silence has to mean weakness.  I did have to fight a few battles thus eliminating the problem with some who liked to pick on the quiet one.

At this stage of my life I find great satisfaction in not having to constantly say something.  My mind is often more active than I'd like it to be so it's not like there isn't anything going on upstairs.  It can be way too busy and I'd like to turn it off for a while.  I've started to take a sleep aid at night so Mr. brain can go to sleep and leave me alone for a while.  Sometimes he just will not be as quiet as Mr. mouth likes to be.

Every now and then, someone will make the comment, "you're awfully quiet".  I respond that I'm always quiet or that I don't have anything to say.  It's funny how I don't enjoy talking.  Of course you and I talked all the time.  It's not that I cannot engage in conversation.  I just don't find many things that are significant enough to talk about.  I guess that is why I write.

I looked up some information about people who are quiet.  I found a lot more than I expected.  Apparently there are lots of quiet people in this world.  I guess we don't realize it because they don't say much.  That is rather funny to me.  There may be a whole sub-culture of people like me in this world.  Go figure.  It's not that I believed I was the only one.  I just didn't realize so many other people have wondered about it.  There are even books about quiet people!  That surprised me.

I really like being quiet and, truth be told, I'm enjoying it more all the time.  I've never thought of myself this way but we quiet folk are often assigned lots of positive attributes.  Yes, I know that we are considered shy, introverted, antisocial, unfriendly, weird and lots of other things that are too numerous to name.   I prefer, naturally,  to focus on the positive traits.  We are mysterious.  I really like that one.  I've always wanted to be mysterious.  Peaceful is another one I like.  When you are not having to ramble on all the time I think you can be more relaxed and even cause others around you to relax.  That is, except for those who it makes nervous.  Some people are so chatty and even seem uncomfortable with silence.  Too bad for them.

I've read that quiet people have no joy and are just looking for someone to pull them out of it.  Sometimes I am sad, that's for certain.  I don't think that anyone who as been through what our family has could not experience a lot of sadness.   It's probably hard for observers to tell the difference between sad and quiet I guess.  In my case it's not a good idea to try and pry me out of my quiet.  You might get more than you bargained for since I have a lot I'm thinking about.

Then I read that people might be quiet because they just don't know how to interact with others.  I don't have this problem.  As a matter of fact I consider myself very well mannered and can carry on quite a conversation if I am interested and feel the need.   In my humble opinion, there are too many people that are incapable of this skill who really should learn the art of being quiet.  There are way too many rude and obnoxious people in this world.  I'll get to them in another post because I've observed all the rudeness I care to.  Some people are confident in themselves to the point of arrogance and seem to believe it is alright to treat others accordingly.  They need to learn not to talk.

During the time when you were getting ready to leave this world and even since then, I had asked people to leave me alone.   I was not angry with anyone but conversations about the death of someone who is the second most important thing in my life after God, is just not pleasant subject matter.  You would not believe the insensitive questions that came up.  No one meant any harm.  There are people who think they have great communication skills that need to seriously reconsider what they think is an appropriate question or comment.

Finally, I've read that we quiet folk are wise, thoughtful, intelligent, introspective, creative, strong, confident and more.   If there is such a thing as telepathy and telekinesis I am of the opinion that my type would be the first ones to develop this ability.   I don't believe in evolution but I do believe our physical and mental abilities improve and grow without having to enter into some demonic realm. 

Well I wrote about this because I had the time and do tend to be very introspective as you well know honey.  Plus, it was interesting to me.   I like to direct my writing toward you as it gives me more time with you.  I miss our fun and often deep conversations.   For the rest of you reading this, I hope you find it interesting.  Feel free to comment.  Just because I don't say much doesn't mean I don't enjoy feedback.