Please stay close to me

Hi honey, it's me again.

It's funny how some of the very simplest things have become so difficult since you went away.  I remember the day not long ago when I had to cancel your cell phone number.  I put it off as long as I could but practicality called for it to be done.  I didn't like doing it.  Each time I find myself having to do something like that I feel as though you are taking a step further away from me.  I know it doesn't make sense but it's how I feel.   A few days ago I gave our bed away.  Our bed.  I picked up my new one today but have not put it up yet.  It will be my bed.  Just mine.  There is no you here to share it with.  It is much smaller than ours.  Because you are a spirit now, if you come and lay next to me in it there would still be plenty of room.  I hope you will do that even if I can't tell you are there.  I will imagine that you are anyway.

I've been checking your e-mail and unsubscribing them as they come in.  I could have just deleted your account but I couldn't do it until today.  Every time I tried to delete your address I would stop and tell myself that it could wait and there was no hurry.  I know you don't need it where you are.  You have a way better way to communicate.  I guess now you must be something like Fawn@Heaven.God or something like that.  I know it's silly but it's a way for me to feel you are still alive in my world.  I know you are alive in your world but it's not the same.

So today I stared at your e-mail address with my finger on the delete button.  I guess I stared at it for several moments almost changing my mind several times and trying to think of reasons not to delete it.  Eventually I pressed the button and found that it caused more pain than I anticipated.  I guess that's is another wound that will have to heal.  My heart hurts over it.

I hope that there are not too many more situations where I have to do similar things.  It hurts every time.  If feels as though I am cutting away bits and pieces of myself and our life together.  Maybe one day I can stop cutting and the wounds can have time to heal but not yet I guess.

I remember years ago there were times when I had nightmares about you leaving me.  I guess I was insecure and although I never really thought you would ever leave it was in my dreams.  I would wake up scared and sad and tell you about it.  You would be groggy and still mostly asleep but you would still try to comfort me. You told me you would never leave and I believed you and felt better.   Then we would hold each other  till morning so I wouldn't have the bad dream again.

I know that when you did go it wasn't your idea and I'm not angry or upset with you or God about it, just disappointed and sad.  I hoped we would be together until He came back for all of us at the same time.  Now you have a head start and I have to wait for my turn.  I don't like it.

I'm trying to use the time wisely that is left until I get to see you.  I'm writing all the time now and people seem to like it although it makes them sad.  Some of them understand who also have lost someone.  I don't know if any of them will feel what I feel though and I pray they never have to.

Today an author friend suggested I write a story for a competition.  You remember I wrote a couple for her before and even came in first place.   Well at first I thought I would not be able to but then on the way home from work it came to me.  I don't care if it wins or not but I hope you like it since it is about you.  You have always been my passion honey but now all that I write is because of you and I hope it makes you proud and happy.  You have made such an impression on my life.  That is part of why it is so hard to be without you now.  You are such a part of who I am that every day without you is such a struggle.  I still wish you could come back and be with me.

Anyway.  The apartment is a mess from me moving everything around.  I hope you like what I am doing even though I've got a lot more to do.  You were really good and coming up with ways to make everything look new.   I don't have your creativity in that area.  Hopefully people will like my writing.  I hope that through it they get to know you.  People need to know you so they can understand why it's so hard for me to be without you and how special our life together is.  Well I have a lot to do.  I hope you have a nice time time tonight with what ever you are doing up there.  Of course you will.  I love you and miss you tons.