Not much to say

Hi everyone,

Since I decided not to openly share the conversations between me and Fawn I have not had much to tell the rest of you.  I could talk about politics and the events of the day.   Eventually I may.  I try to think of humorous true life stories. To be honest, I have to look harder for humor than I did before.

Life has fallen into somewhat of a routine without little deviation.  Work, eat, watch TV  read, sleep, wake up, get ready, work, etc.  You know the schedule.  It is not unlike your own.  Thursdays are different because I take out the trash.  Sometimes I cut the grass.

I'm not necessarily complaining.  Life is what we make it.  We have control over most of it and if it is dull or exciting, it is mostly our own doing.  Of course unanticipated situations get throw in to alter the routine.

Much of my time is spent thinking.  With purpose.  Meditation you might say.  Conversations with God.  Contemplating my future and my past.  Figuring out the why and the what next.  It's important. Without Fawn, I have many years left of life to fill and I am alone.  I know that I have my children and other family all available.

It's different though, without your partner.   Life takes on a different perspective.  You no longer work or live for the same reasons.  When you are married, I believe, most of what you do with your life is or should be to make a better life for your wife or husband.   I was not very good at this.  I think I could have done better.  I know I could have.

Now that life is so extremely different, I am looking at it differently as well.  I've not yet figured it out.  It will take a while.  There is still much pain that is in the way of my thoughts.  I may not be able to do anything about that.  It can be easy to feel sorry for yourself, to indulge in and embrace sorrow and pain.  Anyone can tell you that this is not healthy.  How to overcome it is a secret that many would claim they have answered.

Self help books, vitamin supplements, experts, clergy all promise to help.   No one really has the answers.  I look to God.  He is the only one I can be sure understands and is not looking to sell me anything.  He knows what we feel.  I would not pretend to understand His ways.  I'd like to, but it would be the height of arrogance to claim such knowledge.  If ever I achieve a measure of understanding I will be far better for it.

For now, I will continue my search for meaning and understanding.  For relief and for the motivation to grow if I can, into more than what I have become.

If I had left on time.

Hello People, 

Last evening I stayed at work later than usual.  It was busy and I decided to hang around a bit. Typically I would be gone at 7 or a few minutes after.  As I pulled from my parking space and was about to drive off,  I noticed that the rear gate was still open.  Ordinarily, even if we are here late, the gate is closed right about 7.  

I decided to go out that way since it was closer.  As I shifted my car into drive, an SUV entered the gate and turned in my direction.  Probably someone had decided to stop by and look around after dinner.   As the vehicle approached, the driver rolled her window down so I did likewise.   She probably wanted to ask if we were still open.  

I said hi and she asked if I was Jeff.  This took me by surprise.  Even though I was wearing a name tag, I doubt if she could read it from where she was.  I said yes, I was, and she handed me two envelopes, telling me which I was to open first.  At this point I was really puzzled and asked if she was sure she was looking for me.  I even repeated by full name just to confirm she had the right Jeff.  

She verified that I was indeed the person she was looking for.  I took the envelopes from her and felt as though I entered into some sort of fictional novel.  I then asked her if I would know who she was by the contents of the envelope.  She said I would.  

You are probably wondering why I did not ask her name or try to get more information before accepting anything from a complete stranger.  I now ask myself the same question.   But, it was late and I still had a stop to make and wanted to be home.   Plus, the whole incident really caught me off guard.  I'm not as suave and quick-thinking as I like to imagine.

Upon arriving at the store where I needed to pick up something, I parked and glanced over at the envelopes lying on the seat next to me.  I had planned to wait until I made it home but my curiosity got the best of me.  In the first envelope was a letter explaining who the women was and how she came to know who I am.  There are some details that I will leave out to protect her privacy but it has to do with my wife's funeral, which lead her to a story I wrote for Wilson Living Magazine and then to this blog.  In the second envelope was a small gift that she felt moved to give me as an encouragement.   The letter was very kind and answered all my questions about this unexpected scenario.

If I had not stayed at work late I guess she would have left the letter with someone at my workplace but I still think the timing was unique.  I was glad to see that someone read the story and also this blog.   As I walked through the grocery store I was still thinking about this encounter when I heard someone say my name.  Can coincidence strike twice within just a few minutes?

I turned to look and saw an acquaintance whom I had not seen for a while.  The strange part was not running into another person.  After some friendly conversation she said she had recently been reminded of my blog but misplaced the name of the web site.  I then handed her one of my cards so she could look it up.  

So within about a 10 minute period I was at the right place and at the right time to encounter two different people both ultimately involving my writing.   You may not think it more than coincidence but I do.

It may well be I am putting more into it than what I should but things like this just don't happen to me every day.  I like to try figuring out why some things happen if I can. 

This may not be my most interesting or thought provoking post but I felt like sharing it anyway.   

Is it okay to change a baby’s diaper in a Starbucks if there’s no restroom changing table?

Dear Public,

I just came across another interesting article about a mom changing her baby's diaper in a Starbucks because the rest room had no changing table.

The question at the end asked if this was okay.  My answer, NO IT IS NOT OK!

The woman then, in response to what she considered rude behavior on the part of the staff, deliberately poured her coffee on the floor for them to clean up.   She did not care about the other patrons of the store.  She was willing to expose them to her child's dirty diaper.  She was willing to pour her coffee on the floor to make her statement.   She was not willing to use the floor of the rest room or her car.  

The rest room may not have had a changing table.  Starbucks is not there for your babies needs.  They are there to sell coffee.

She was in the wrong.  So what would you have done?

http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2013/05/14/starbucks-calls-police-on-woman-after-changed-her-baby-diaper-on-seat/?intcmp=features 

New Hampshire city sues Robin Hood, Merry Men over feeding parking meters.

Dear Public,

I read an article this morning.  The first paragraph says that the city is suing a group because they are adding money to meters before the vehicle owners can incur a fine.  If I had forgotten that my meter was running out of time and found a citation on my windshield, first I would be upset with myself for forgetting.  Then I would wish that I added more money right from the start.  After that I would become angry that I must pay to park my car.

If I knew that I was running out of time and found that, after racing back to add more coins, someone had already saved me from a ticket, I would be very happy and appreciative to whoever did it.  Just like I would be glad that someone might prevent me from walking on wet concrete or into the path of an oncoming vehicle.

It is wrong if, as stated in another paragraph, the group is taunting the enforcement officers or waiting for the very last second before adding coins.  I don't think they need to be doing it in the presence of the officers and they certainly don't need to be obnoxious toward people doing an unpleasant and unpopular job.  I don't necessarily think parking timers are bad.  I just think they should be free.  It would keep car owners from parking all day long and abusing the privilege if they had to go back and reset the timer.  It seems to me that in a shopping area, 3 or 4 hours should be sufficient and then it would be someone else's turn.

The final sentence of this article is what troubles me the most.  The city says that it is suing the group because it is losing revenue.  That is a poor excuse.  No person or entity should rely on fines or penalties for revenue or income.  Basically then, one would have to hope the driver will not pay the appropriate meter fee so a fine could be collected.  That would be akin to hoping a credit card payment is late (I'm sure credit card companies count on this and are the worst offenders of all) or hoping people drive too fast or break a law so a fine can be imposed.   Video stores and libraries, I'm sure, to some extent, hope for people to be late on returns and renewals so they can make more profit.

We should all strive to make prompt payments, avoid late fees,  remember the parking meter.  But I think it's wrong to be angry and seek compensation for avoided fines or penalties.   What do you think?

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/05/14/new-hampshire-city-sues-group-for-paying-parking-meters-strangers/?test=latestnews

Not every anniversary

Hi Honey,

I've tried to think about what I would say today to the point that since my last post I've really not been able to say much.   I've been preoccupied with this day knowing that it was coming and dreading it.   Anniversaries are supposed to be a celebration, not a reminder of sadness.  Just a few days ago a stranger contacted me.  He wanted to talk about the recent loss of his wife.  I told him that some pains never heal, they never go away.  You simply become accustomed to their presence.

They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I don't know that I am any stronger because of what we went through or for losing you.  If that is one of the ways people acquire strength then I would rather remain weak.   I still look around and strain my eyes in an effort to see you, to make you be here, to catch a glimpse of you.  It doesn't work.  I can only create a momentary illusion of you.  I won't see you again for real until I am where you are.

I still don't know what to say about today.  As the minutes tick by I feel my heart reliving the moments leading up to your leaving.  I don't want to remember but I do.  I'd like to blot this day out, pretend it never happened.  After today, I have decided, I will not be writing about your leaving anymore.  I will not be describing my feelings about you being sick and I will not make today a yearly ritual.  Not every anniversary should be celebrated or even remembered.

If you could talk with me right now.  What would you say.  Would you tell me to be happy?  Would you tell me how happy you are to be with Jesus?    I can only guess, knowing you, what you might say.

I will not forget you nor will I ever stop loving you.  To repeat a cliche', you completed me.  You had all the qualities I lacked.  It is still not real to me that you are gone and that you were sick.  It is like a bad dream.  You wake up thinking it was real only to realize it was a nightmare.  In the past when either one of us had such a dream, it was easy enough to seek out the other for comfort.

Tonight, the clock will reach that time when you left and I won't be able to avoid recalling the memory.  It haunts me constantly.  After tonight though, I have to make some changes.  I know I will see you again and will not greet you having been sad.  I will not let you see me with tears of sadness but tears of joy.   As much as what brings me to you may be sad to those I leave behind, it will be a homecoming for me and a reunion for us.  Life is hard enough without living with this constant pain and gloom.

I am going to try my best to be happy.  I will do that for you and for me and for the rest who also lost you.  I will not write of sadness any more.   There has to be a time to overcome the pain and not let it define who you are.  It is impossible to be unchanged by losing you.  I don't expect to go on as if you were never here and never went away.  But no one will read about it anymore unless they ask.

Thank you Honey for being the greatest example of what a women should be, even in the worst of circumstances.  Thank you for being an example to others of what it really means to be feminine, to be a wife and mother and most of all a Christian.   I know that God must be pleased with the life you lived here on Earth.  He must be so proud of you just as I am.   You must have a special place up there with Him.  You were and always will have a place in my heart that no one else can have.

I will never stop missing you or loving you.  I will move ahead with my life now.   I will try to be a good husband even though you are not here.  Thank you for so many years with me and for marrying me.  You could have had anyone and chose me.  Your eye never strayed to another and you never sought to leave even at the worst of times.  If I didn't tell you enough when you were here, know that I was always proud of you.  Our kids all love you and feel the same.  They miss you and wish you were still here.

I have nothing more I wish to share about this day.  The rest will be between me and you and God.

A new friend, the hard way

Hi Honey,

Last night I spent exactly 2 hours, 1 minute and 4 seconds (according to the timer on my phone), talking with a complete stranger.   At first he sent me an e-mail which I responded to and then we entered into a lengthy phone call.  It was uncanny how many things we had in common.  He lives in Florida and so did we.  He lived in Ohio as we did.  He has four children like we do.  All were home schooled just like ours.  Unfortunately, the one thing that brought us into contact is the one that neither of us want to be true.

Honey, just 9 months and 17 days after you left this world, this gentleman's wife took the same trip as you.   Like you, she suffered and left her earthy family way too soon.   As he scoured the Internet seeking out other widowers who had written about their own experience he came across this blog along with my YouTube memorial of you.   He sent an e-mail to tell me how he was impacted by our story and asked if he could speak with me sometime.

A friend of his posted somewhat of a blog narrating the details of the illness and eventual departure to Heaven.   After reading it I felt comfortable that he was sincere.  Normally I am not much of a conversationalist, especially by phone and even less so with strangers.  In this case I felt lead to speak with him.

He was seeking the same thing that all of us in his position do:  answers to the questions that cannot be answered.  Why her? Why did she have to suffer?  Why did she have to go?  Why wasn't she healed?  Soon it will be a year since you went to Heaven.  For this man it is only been a matter of a couple of months.  I said to him what many said to me.  "You are doing well."  I did not have the fortitude that he does,  to have conversations about what happened.  That's why I resorted to writing.  It was too difficult to speak the words.  I told this man that he was doing well to be able to talk about such a loss so soon.  

I could not offer solutions or much advice to this new friend.  The circumstances of our introduction are the worst.  He has four young children that still need to be raised.  They should not be without a mom but have not been given a choice in the matter.  I believe in some ways he is worse off than I am.  At least I don't have the responsibility of raising young children.  They are all grown up now and in a sense, watching after me.

We talked a long time about our questions and feelings, most of which were the same.  He is a spiritual man and knew his Bible with much greater accuracy than I so there was no need for me to turn him to God.  He is already in relationship with Him.

We ended our conversation promising to keep in touch and to keep the line of communication open.  I wish I could have offered more wisdom.  Unfortunately I could not tell him that the pain eventually goes away, you simply become accustomed to it.  As for me, the thrill of knowing I will see you again one day will have to be enough.   When you see Chris, tell her that Jim and I are friends now and that he will be okay.

As always, I love you and miss you.
XX OO

Out of the closet!

Hi Honey,

You know I like to keep up with the news and current events at least to some extent.

Apparently it is popular and customary to proclaim ones sexual orientation and lifestyle choice and by doing so one may receive many accolades, tributes and a sense of acceptance and tolerance from the general public, among others.

People must really crave this information and always seem to praise its heralding.  I have been so sheltered and apparently lived under a rock.  I am behind on this trend and really need to catch up. How many people have I disappointed by not sharing this sooner?  I must apologize for not realizing how important it is to announce what I had mistakenly perceived as private information.  Hopefully it has not caused too much inconvenience or stress for those of you who place a high value on knowing this.

Based on the publicity one receives upon "coming out" I am anticipating an exponential increase in readership, comments, subscribers and popularity of my blog.   The media will likely desire to interview me.  I tend to keep a low profile but am willing to make a few guest appearances.  I'm really not sure if it would be Jay Leno or Jimmy Fallon who will be contacting me.  I'll also have to arrange for time off work depending on when the taping will occur.

I anticipate that I'll receive requests to write a book which I was hoping to do soon anyway so the timing will be perfect!  No doubt there will be several offers to make a film based on my life.  I need to determine who will play the role of me for the various times of my life.  Since I've hardly aged a day since my twenties one actor should suffice for the adult portion of my life.

Most of those doing this are already celebrities.  I suppose people really want to know about every little detail of their lives.  I wonder if there is other information it would be appropriate to share in addition to bedroom habits and preferences.  Perhaps it would be interesting to know the toiletry procedures of celebrities.  I wonder what brand of tissue some of them use or what toothpaste? What about underwear? Boxers or briefs?  What headache medications do they prefer? Acetaminophen, naproxen sodium or ibuprofen?

I have not been officially recognized by the media or public as a famous person.  I've have had a lot of people from all over the world read this blog so I don't see why I cannot declare myself a celebrity, worthy of sharing the intimate details of my life.  Someone will probably need additional information for a page on Wikipedia.   I don't know for sure if I'll be able to handle all this myself so I may have to hire a publicist or PR representative.  So much to do!

Therefore, without any further ado, in an effort to adhere to the trends of pop culture I am coming out of the closet as well!  I hereby reveal my 100% Christian, heterosexual (that means straight), conservative lifestyle.  Let the tolerance and accolades begin!

Things that make me feel old and young

Hi,

Some things that make me feel old:
At the time of my birth there were 49 states.  Just a few days earlier there were only 48.
Dwight D Eisenhower was our President and Charles De Gaulle became President of France.
Later that year Berry Gordy Jr founded Motown Records.
Later that month, Sleeping Beauty was released to theatres.
Later that year Barbie made her first appearance.
Busch Gardens in Tampa opened.
Later that year we added our 50th state
The Twilight Zone aired.
A house cost about $12,000 and gas was twenty five cents per gallon
I have 4 grandchildren.I attended the 1964 Words Fair in NY.

Things that make me feel young:
Susanna Hoffs of the Bangles was born a few months after me.
Irene Cara of "Fame" was born later that year
So was Sheena Easton and Hugh Laurie
Jason Alexander was born that year and so was Weird Al Yankovic
Spandex was invested that year and the first weather satellite was launched.
We still have 87 years before the turn of the next century.
I still have one child at home.
I could still live 40-45 more years so my life is only half lived.
There is lots of world left to see.

The wayback machine

Hello,

If you are old enough you may remember Sherman and Peabody traveling back in time in their "Wayback Machine".

For the past few days it seems as though I too have been traveling around in time.  First, per my previous post, I was reunited with a friend whom I had not seen for over 25 years.  Then, out of the blue, I was found by a cousin who I probably have not seen or spoken with for maybe 40 years.   Today I stumbled upon a web page that appears to have just recently been added, with many photos and names of people from my high school graduating class.  

I have always been an introvert but back then I was even more shy and it was difficult for me to make friends so I cannot say that my high school years were full of fond memories although there were a few.  I was not one of the popular guys but I I did have a few friends.  

It seems more than coincidence that within just a few days I have experienced so many links to the past.  I do not  know the significance of this or if it even has any.  I will watch to see if it continues.  One thing I realize is that sometimes once something like this starts, one can deliberately perpetuate it so I will try to separate my purposeful actions from those that happen by themselves.  

I cannot say I believe that everything happens for a reason.  Too many awful situations develop and I don't believe that they are preordained.  I do believe that afterwards the changes they bring about can be destructive or constructive and that we have much control over that part of life.  

Have you noticed any new or mysterious trends in you life that are have suddenly come about?

When present and past meet.

Hi Honey,

Last night I took a trip in a time machine to the late 70's, early 80's.  There were no flashing lights or gadgets with which to set the date.  All that was needed was a drive to downtown Nashville and a few photographs from days gone by.  The whole set up was a surprise arranged by a long time and very close friend along with my siblings and our youngest daughter.   I did not know, but this was in the works for several weeks, perhaps months.

I did not know who I was meeting only that it was going to be a surprise.  To be honest, all the mystery made me think that maybe Olivia Newton John was in town and somehow Shannon had arranged for me to meet her.  She quickly let me know that this was not the case.

After leaving work, Shannon and I drove to a restaurant, where as we pulled into the driveway, I happened to glance over to my right and spotted the face of a friend whom I had not seen for approximately 25 years.   As we walked into the restaurant, I did not see him again and thought perhaps I was mistaken.  Then, there he was, a matured and seasoned version of the man that I have kept in touch with for about 34 years.  

Although I have seen recent photos, it was still different seeing him in person.  I'm sure it must have been the same for him.  I studied his face, seeing the same person who I had spent so much time with even before I met you honey.  Those were the days of trying to meet girls and hanging out with friends while working the typical jobs that kids that age gravitate toward.

After my family moved to Florida sometime around 1978, Jorge was one of the first people I met.  We are 7 months apart in age, to the day, with me being the elder. We met after both being hired by somewhat of a landmark ice cream parlor in Dania, Florida called Jaxsons.

We immediately became friends although from very different backgrounds.  I had just moved there from Brooklyn, NY where I had lived all my life.  He had lived in Florida for a while but was of Mexican origin and fluent in his native language.  I was very shy and introverted while he was the direct opposite, which made our friendship so much more unlikely.  While he excelled at nearly every sport and had no problem engaging the ladies, I had no athletic background whatsoever and like the character Rajesh from the Big Bang Theory, could barely speak to females.   I remember how Jorge and everyone else that met me found it difficult to understand or believe that someone from Brooklyn could have no interest, experience or knowledge of at least baseball but it was and still is true to this day. 

I don't know about now, but back then, when you "buddied" up and became a "best friends" team, there was almost a ritualistic, several hour, conversation, unplanned, where you found out everything about each other's past and personality.  A conversation like that could either make or break the future friendship depending on what was revealed.  In our case it was a success.  We were like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, or perhaps more like Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari of "Bosom Buddies".    We worked together, stayed at each others apartment, took road trips, double-dated, listened to music.   We were there as we each entered into relationships with various girls, expressing approval or caution and watching out for the others best interest.  Neither one of us wanted to see the other hurt.  We were a team and if you insulted one, you insulted the other.  I'm not sure if guys today have such friendships.  I hope they can.  I believe we both benefited from the years we shared.  

We had such fun times and met many interesting and sometimes dangerous people.  We spent many an evening with barely a penny to our names, watching a tiny TV while dining on Spaghettios and chocolate milk or sometimes cheap wine and whatever snacks we could mooch.   We were fortunate to live close to the beach and enjoyed the Florida lifestyle of never having to wear anything more on our feet than "flip flops".   Much of our time was spent at pinball arcades, where Jorge taught me how to play without "tilting".  We would scrounge for left behind quarters and make games last forever by winning free ones.  We had an abundance of friends and were almost never without something to do.   The stories are endless. 

Eventually Honey, I met you and gradually more of my time was spent with you and so Jorge and I grew apart.  He married as well and raised a family just as we did.  Over the years we maintained sporadic contact.  It was a tremendous blessing to see him in person once again.  We reminisced, recalled funny story after story, reliving the humor of unbelievable situations and amazed at some of the characters we knew.   We had to wonder at how we still turned out all right after all that.  

One thing about me and Jorge though is that we never strayed from who we are, not then and not now.  As we chatted over dinner he told me that he could see I am still the same person he knew and I feel the same about him.  Time, distance and life had kept us apart.  We still have the same brotherly love for each other that we developed all those years ago.   Jorge is, among his other skills as a businessman, a motivational speaker.  He gave me much to think about.  I enjoy writing a great deal.  He asked what I would do now if I had my choice and I described a picture of myself, sitting in bookstores, signing my novel for my many readers and attending the premier of the film based that novel.   

When recalling stories from the past we realized that each of us would remember parts that the other had forgotten.  We agreed that to fully share these stories we both needed to be present so we could alternate filling in the gaps that the other missed.  As we parted ways once again, we promised each other that it would not be our last reunion. There are still many tales to remember and to share with our families.  We are proud of each other and the lives we have built as different as they are.  We are the results of the choices we each made and the people who have entered and helped to shape our lives.   I am so glad for the few hours we spent together and look forward to our next visit. 

We have a date!

Hi Honey,

Last night as I prepared to turn in, I started to speak to you and God like I tend to do each night.  Despite my knowing it all of this time, it struck me in a new way that I will be seeing you again!  I have said it and others have as well.  It is not anything new to me.  For whatever reason it became very real to me last night.

As this certainty popped into my head it brought about many thoughts.  I felt as though you had just agreed to a first date.  I also had the same anticipation that we all experience the night before our wedding.  As much as I miss you now, the assurance that not only will I see you again but that it will last for all eternity outdid any sadness I was feeling.

I know that it will not be the same as it was here.  I really don't know what it will be like at all.  The Bible only gives a vague picture of that life.  If I should live out the rest of a normal span then I figure I could have another approximately forty years on this earth,  give or take a few.   In the grand scheme of time that is nothing.  It makes my heart race thinking of that day when I can hear your voice and see your face and maybe touch your hand again.  

Thank you God for letting me remember this in a new way.  It makes the days ahead not seem so bad or lonely.

We are more connected than ever.

Hi everyone,

I was just thinking about all the forms of social networking now at our disposal.  I don't need to name them.  Unless you live under a rock you know most of them.  In the old days of letters and mail, you could not share your thoughts but with one person at a time.  Unless you were in the media or wrote a book, your thoughts and opinions took time to permeate society.  Even at that, you had to be pretty popular to be read or watched.

What a change the past few years have wrought!  Now, within fractions of a second, you can write, publish and receive immediate feedback through the various social networks.  We are all so connected.  Within seconds you can be world famous.  It is much easier to stand out from the crowd.  Not everyone takes the time but for those who do and have something viable to offer, fame is much more attainable.

The same is true for the transfer of knowledge and information.  Now though, opinion is spread immediately as well.  Even my own humble blog has reached more people that I could have several years ago.   I am by no means a good example of instant fame but there are plenty of others who are.

There are very few who do not have some kind of access to these networks.  More and more are familiar with the most current technologies.  I myself am slightly behind, still hanging onto my flip phone with no Internet and my laptop rather than a tablet.

We now know instantly what is happening on the other side of the planet.  We can also communicate our thoughts just as quickly.  The world is getting much smaller every second and we are able to communicate with friends and strangers alike with a few keystrokes or the touch of a button.

Well, I've had my say.    

Easter, more than what we celebrate

Hi Honey,

I am up early, getting ready for a meal with the family and a viewing of Ben Hur, The Ten Commandments or maybe both.  I am glad to be counted as one who has not abandoned recognizing the resurrection in favor of a secular celebration of a change of seasons.

Christians and non, know what this day means.  There is no need for me to elaborate.  We know that Jesus rose from the dead and lives in Heaven.  However this has special meaning to me.  It reiterates the fact that there is a Heaven and that there is much more to this world than what we see.  When we leave here we have somewhere to go, somewhere beyond what we as mortals can imagine.

It also means that when I put you to rest from your earthly restraints and you left behind your pain, you went somewhere.  It means that you are not just simply gone and a part of my life that has been cut away.  It means that, like Jesus, you are resurrected into a new body and a new place.  You have left behind the worries and cares of this world.  You are in a place with the others who believe as we do, that there is much more to this world than 80, 90  or even 120 years of life and then nothing.

I am glad to know that as I celebrate the fact that Jesus ascended to Heaven and is awaiting my arrival, you are there with Him.   I love you and miss you Honey.  Can't wait to see you and Jesus.

Questions

Hello,

This morning I woke up with a lot of thoughts racing through my mind.  I'll attempt to make them as cohesive as possible.  They are in the form of questions not necessarily directed toward any specific individual.

Do you care what people think of you?  Most people say they don't.  A lot of people take pride in voicing the opposite.   I've heard everyone from preachers to politicians say that if you have an issue with them or what they have to say, to just "get over it".   That's fine but do you really feel that way?

Why say anything at all if you are the only person you are trying to please?  Why publicly preach, teach, speak, tell a joke, a story, a sermon, a sales pitch, an opinion, write a book, post a comment, or express yourself in any way if you really don't care what anyone else thinks?

I used to say that.  I used to say that I am not out to please anyone and that I didn't care about what anyone else thought.  Perhaps you don't think you care.  I think you are deceiving yourself.  If you're selling, you want someone to buy.  If you are preaching, you want interest.  If you are posting on facebook, you want likes. If you are Tweeting you want followers.  If you blog you want hits and comments.  If you are the boss you want compliance.  If you are an employee you want raises and promotions.  If you are a public speaker, you want invitations to speak.  So you see, you do care.

One day you will be gone.  What will your friends say about you?  Do you care? Maybe not.  Should you?  The legacy you leave behind may not matter to you now but what will your friends and family think about what others say about you?

What about now?  What do people think or say about you after you leave the room?  Do you care?  Should you?  Does anyone read what you write?  Does anyone quote you?  If you are a preacher, do you words stick with people throughout the week, the day, the hour?  Are you sharing anything that will bring a person closer to God?  Do you measure your success by the number of Amen's that are shouted or by the total offerings received or by the number of seats filled? Do people ask you advice or go to someone else?

What if you are a business person?  Do you measure success by how many products you sell?  Do you consider how many people ask you for work and how many seem to enjoy working for you?  Do you care why they leave?  What do they say to others about you?  Does it matter?

Do you work for someone?  Are you dependable and trustworthy, prompt, honest?  Are you someone who can be relied on?  Does your boss express sincere regret if you have to leave his employ?   Do you care?

If you are a blogger, do you wonder why no one is reading you?  If you are an author, do you ask why no one is reading your books?  When you post on social networks are you doing it for your health, because you have nothing else to do?   Everyone wants some kind of positive feedback.  At least I think they do.

Are you rude, vulgar, profane, obnoxious?   Do you know any other words besides foul ones?  Do you care if anyone else is offended?  Should you?   Do you have bad breath, or stink?   Do you have annoying habits that could be easily changed?  Should you?

When you leave the room or a conversation, what do the others think or say about you?  Do you care? Should you?  Why are you here in a world with other people if what others think about you doesn't matter?

What about your kids?  Are they all over the place?  Do they interrupt?  Maybe they really are in charge but you can't see it.  Are they well behaved, polite?  What do others think or say about their behavior?  Do you care?  I think you should.

If you offer advice would others listen, or would they think you were stupid or ignorant?  Do they share what you said with others?  Do they share to make fun of you or because it was profound?   Do people ask your advice or do you always find yourself offering it instead?

Do you know how to communicate or are people confused after hearing you?  Do people have difficulty getting you to see their point?  Are you only open to what you think and no one else?  Are you able to disagree with others without getting angry or making them angry?   If you don't speak well can you write?  If you don't write well, can you communicate verbally?  If you cannot do either, you might have a problem.

Do you live a life that others envy?  Do people wish they were like you?   Not because you are rich or beautiful but because they admire who you are?   Do people enjoy your company?  Are they drawn to you? Are you a pleasure to have around?  Does it matter?  Do you care?

Do you want others to like you, respect you, appreciate you?  Do you think about what you say before you say it?  Do you consider the potential effects or harm?  What is the desired outcome?   Does it matter? Should it?

Everyone that I know and have ever known liked my wife.  No one that I know of ever spoke of her in a disparaging way.  She was often quoted, invited, asked her opinion, complimented, spoke well of, loved.  She was entrusted with responsibility and admired by everyone.  If someone did not like her I do not know who they are.  Everyone that knows her, misses her, without exception.

Do you have any faith, in God, in people.  Do you have anyone you can honestly trust?  When you die will you be afraid to face God?  Should you be?   What do you stand for or believe in?  Do you honestly feel it's the right thing or have you just convinced yourself it is?

Do others tell you their secrets? Take you into their confidence?  Share things with you that they would not tell anyone else?  Do they later regret it?  Or, do they share even more?

What will people think about you as they leave your presence?  Do they look forward to seeing you again, being with you, speaking with you, reading what you wrote?

Are you afraid of death, maybe even afraid of life?   Do people love you, hate you?  Do you care? Should you?   Do people leave when you arrive?

All of these questions and more ran through my head as I woke up this morning.  They are for me but are they for you as well?  If your answer to any of them begins with "all I know is..." then you have not really thought about the question.

Pain that comes and goes

Hi Honey,

There is not a way to control how one feels from one day to the next.  At least there is not one that I have found to prove successful most of the time.  I don't know what it is that makes one day tolerable and the next, better spent in bed.  I don't know what it is that causes one moment to seem like a normal life and others to seem like the world is ending.

This morning I feel as though you just left me yesterday.  All this time that has passed is suddenly erased and whatever healing has occurred has been ripped open to bleed again.  I don't know if it will last a few seconds, minutes or hours or perhaps will stay with me until I've slept another night and begin anew tomorrow.  I sure it must be a common syndrome among survivors.  Still,  I don't like the way it makes me feel.  It doesn't help to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

And yet, life must go on.  We continue to eat, sleep, do the laundry, work, pay the bills and make plans.  In a little while I will be busy and some of these feelings will pass or at least lessen.  But the heaviness that they bring makes me feel like I cannot get a full breath.  I don't care for sharing these feelings but this blog has been my therapy since I'm not a talker.  Some of my posts will be like this from time to time.

For those of you reading this I am sorry that I cannot maintain the level of levity that I had hoped.  Perhaps later as the day goes by, it will get better.  For now this is just how it is.

I know NOTHING of the Earth

Hi Honey,

Last night Shannon and I randomly entered into a discussion about, of all things, geography and history.  It made me realize, after all these years, how little I know about geography.  Not that I am an expert regarding history, but of the two, I lack more knowledge regarding geography.

As much as I watch the news and have a desire to travel, I am reminded that a general knowledge of where places are, although not essential for my job or life in general, it certainly adds to one's overall "smartness".   When I was a child I had no interest in either of these subjects.  It never really hurt me except for my grades.  I've never found myself in a situation where my lack of awareness of what country is on what continent caused me a problem.

In everyone's life, there might come a time when something that was never important before, becomes, if nothing else, worth checking into.  It's sort of like tasting a food that you've always hated.  (I have tried onions on multiple occasions and no I still don't like them).  Apparently this is the time for me to, even if I do not eventually command the ability to present an oral report, spend a little time studying the aforementioned subjects.  I will do this for no other reason but my own edification and perhaps to show off every now and then.

With the internet and unlimited other resources there is no subject which one cannot at least superficially explore.  I've spent a little time perusing articles about quantum mechanics and other previously unexplored subjects.  Now I guess it's time for something a bit more, pedestrian, especially since I have the hope of travelling one day.  A basic knowledge of the layout of the planet could prove useful.  I wouldn't want to make the mistake of thinking I could stroll back and forth between Sweden and Australia, for example, while I know there are other places that are surprisingly close to each other.

So Honey, while you are busy exploring Heaven, right now I have several maps pulled up so I can explore this world and another site where I am shopping for a world globe.  This will be a lot more productive that playing online pool.

Venturing beyond the front door.

Hi Honey,

I keep talking about travel.  Today there was a sense that I needed to get out.  I was in my robe, still sleepy from staying up too late, watching old movies on cable.  I ate breakfast and thought about getting on the computer to write a new post.  There was nothing new to say.

That's when I jumped in the shower, got dressed and headed out to the car.  A catalyst was needed to trigger my imagination.  The clothes that I put on resembled an outfit that Indiana Jones might have worn for such an event, save the gun, hat and whip.  Perhaps next time.  I packed up the laptop and programmed the GPS.  Jill, the Garmin voice, guided me downtown to the Nashville Library. I'd been wanting to see it but for some reason it seemed so far away.   I thought about that a moment.  How could I say that I have a desire to travel and see the world when I won't even take a drive downtown?

The readout on the GPS said that the trip would only take about 29 minutes.   It was much closer than I thought.  Driving along the highway the "time remaining" quickly counted down, marking progress toward my destination.  Passing the same familiar landmarks I thought about how often we made that trip to visit various treatment centers for you.   For some reason though, taking this same route for pleasure never seemed convenient.

As I continued, memories of doctor visits and all you went through almost brought tears but I continued.  For people reading this, you may not understand what I was feeling and thinking during this small trip.  Unless you've taken care of someone through a life changing illness you won't appreciate how it feels.

Passing the exit for the airport, I imagined that instead of simply going to a library, I was headed for a flight to some exotic beach or distant land.  It was thrilling to think that one day that urge would be fulfilled but for now, it was just the library.   Jill continued to guide me to a part of Nashville I had not visited for a while.  The internet pictures of the library made it appear so grand.  I really looked forward to seeing it in person.

As a kid, the library was one of my favorite places to escape.  In Brooklyn , Grand Army Plaza was a huge building, especially to a child.  I would walk there and spend hours just exploring.   This library reminded me of that time.  I was actually nervous and a little scared to be honest.  It's silly but it's the truth.  It's been a long time since I've gone out on my own without you.   I made my way into the parking garage and pulled into a space.  Grabbing my laptop and parking ticket I followed the signs to the entrance.  I wrote down the location of my car, knowing that I'd forget like at Walmart.

It was just before 2pm and I guess they don't open till 2.  There was a mob piled outside the front doors of the building and a line waiting at the back door from the parking garage as well.  That's where I was waiting. I felt slightly out of place as most of the others appeared to be college students.  Eventually the doors opened and everyone poured inside.  I thought it strange that so many were waiting as though there was some sort of sale or giveaway about to commence.

Once inside I started toward the directory but instead decided just to explore.  I passed the checkout area and saw a sign pointing to a cafe'.  I might as well check it out.  This was an adventure and I wanted to make the most of it.  I have not gotten out much since you left and limited exposure to the outside world, more so that I realized.

The cafe' looked closed but peeking through the doors I could see someone sitting at one of the tables.  Opening the door I smelled pastries and coffee.  I'm not a coffee drinker but it did smell good.   The cafe' appeared a lot like what I've seen in films about Paris.  I was tempted just to stay there and not even see the rest of the library.

It was well decorated and quaint.  I could see myself staying in here for a while.  The clerk asked if he could help me and I told him I was just looking around as it was my first time there.  There was a tempting array of cakes and cookies but I was not there to eat, at least not this time.

It would have been easy to forget that this was really a library and not just a cafe'. 

I left that place without yielding to the sweets.  There was plenty left to see.  The building had three levels and many rooms.  There was an exhibition of Scottish swords and historical documents.  

There were rows upon rows and rooms upon rooms of books and and I walked into every area.  There were many portraits of people I did not know.   As I learned my way around I realized something about myself.  

I do not enjoy libraries because of the books.  That probably sounds strange.  Of course, that's why you go to a library.  More than something to read, the books are representations of the thoughts and ideas of people  past and present.  They give off an atmosphere.  I find that atmosphere is a vital part of what interests me.  At home and anywhere I go, I am learning that I am sensitive to what the "feel" of the place is.   I did not look through a single book today although there were probably millions of them.  But the experience of being surrounded by them and what they represented was the best part of this day.  

As I make more trips and even at home, I want to recreate and experience that same feeling.  I'm looking for atmosphere and ambiance and I'll  find it. 

Never bored.

Hi Honey,

I've said many times that I am never bored.  I really mean it.  I've talked to people who are retired or just talking about when they retire.  Most of them seem to say that they will "have to" do some kind of work even after retirement.  My question is usually something like, well if you don't have enough money to live on without working, then of course.

Then they say it isn't money, they've got enough to last them, often quite a bit of money.  At that point I am completely puzzled.  I ask, well, is there something you really enjoy doing that would be a job too.  Most times, the answer seems to be no.  When I dig deeper they say they would work to keep from being bored and going crazy.

At this point I am truly bewildered.   How could someone who is financially secure not be able to think of anything fun to do with his or her spare time?   I mean, really, isn't there always something to do?  Even in my spare time, which is much less now that I work two jobs,  I never have a moment of boredom.   To have the time to sit and consider what to do with your time, in my mind, is a great blessing.  To have so much to do that you don't have any time to do what you would "like" to do would be very unpleasant.

Right now I am sort of stuck in the middle of these two worlds.  When you were here I spent most of my time tending to your needs and it kept me very busy.   Most of the time I could not even go to work while you were ill.  Now that you have moved on to Heaven, I am the sole decision maker of what I do with my time.  It's not where I want to be.  I would rather have you back but I've been making that point for a while now and that is not the subject of today's post.

I find that even when I have nothing to do, there is something to do.  With the internet available, there is literally nothing that you cannot discover and read about.  Libraries have millions of free books and movies.  Walking is free.  You were never bored.  You were so creative.  If you weren't working on a banner for church,  you were reading, painting or talking to someone.

If I was financially able, I would be planning a trip.  I'd keep planning trips.  I'd go to new places and I'd write about where I went and how it made me feel to go there.  One day I will do this.  For now I've got plenty to keep me busy.

So anyway, my point is, if anyone reading this is bored, it's your own fault.

A prayer

Sometimes a song can be a question and a prayer. 

Back in the day: When Pizzas were bigger.

Wow, how random!    I've been developing my Pinterest skills and looking at all the different categories I get to choose from.   I've added some of my favorite food and was trying to find a photo of pizzas as they were when I was a kid.   The thing about it is, pizzas from where I come from are probably still the same except for the price.

I have not been back to Brooklyn for a while but when I was there a few years ago, I did not notice too much difference between the pizza now and what we had when I was a kid.  Now living in the South, I have to say it's difficult to experience a pizza like I did growing up.   They were about 18 inches in diameter and hand tossed.

I'd say this looks about right.

My family always ordered cheese.  As a kid I didn't even know that there were other choices.  I probably wouldn't have been willing to try any of them anyway.   I was a very picky eater.  Usually we would order the pizza and for some reason we always ate it in the car.  To this day I don't know why.  We would each get a Coke.  It was especially difficult manipulating the cup of icy soda and hold your pizza.  We kids would use the back dash of the car as a table.  We were little enough and they were bigger back then.   If you took a sip of Coke after biting the pizza the cold soda would really hurt your front teeth.  We didn't use straws so much back then either.  Not sure why.  Parents probably thought someone would lose an eye. 

Brooklyn pizza is very floppy and the oil drips off easily.  But the bottom and the crust is just crispy enough.    When we were little a slice was plenty.  Now, even little kids eat at least two slices if not half a pie.  Back in the day, as my son calls it, the pizzas barely fit in the box.  Now when you buy one they slide all around because they are so much smaller than the box.  I'm pretty certain it's not that  the boxes that have become larger. 

As I got older my dad would let me walk to the corner of the street where we lived and buy a slice of pizza for a treat.  Back then we called them Pizzeria's   A whole 18 inch pizza was about $1.20.  Yes, that's right.  It was fifteen cents for me to get a huge cheese slice.   I could smell it all the way home and it was still hot by the time I walked back to my house.  There was no such thing as a microwave back then and it would have been a crime to reheat pizza in one.   I'm not sure if we had a toaster oven back then.  

I remember when one day I went for my slice and I was informed that the price had gone up to twenty cents. I was in disbelief.  My young mind could not comprehend this.  I walked home in a stupor thinking of ways to break the news to the rest of my family that we could no longer afford to eat pizza.   

I broke the news to my dad.  Instead of weeping and gnashing his teeth he handed me a quarter and I returned to the pizzeria jubilant and cocky in the knowledge that we were wealthy enough to afford this highway robbery

Little did I know how little money our family really had and how much today I would appreciate the twenty cent price.  

Don't put it off too long.

Hi everyone,

Many times I address these posts to Fawn, but I may not always.  I speak to her in the quiet of my heart and in whispers that are meant just for her and only she can hear.  

There are many things I would like to do before older age arrives making it impractical.  I want to spend time at the Smithsonian, see Paris and Italy, relax under a palm tree while listening to seagulls and ocean waves gently crashing on the beach.  I want to take a long train ride, maybe a cruise.  I'd like to go to Disney world and Epcot again.

If you still have your spouse with you, do something you've always wanted to do together.  If you are alone, do something you've always wanted to.  I know that time is passing by quickly and I am not getting any younger.  As soon as I am able I am going to settle on someplace to go and do my best to make it happen.  

We have to work to live.  You need money to do anything.  Use a tiny bit of it on yourself and your spouse when you can.  

Don't go into debt and don't neglect your important responsibilities but as soon as you can, make plans to go somewhere.   If you have no money, then at least use a bike and ride as far as you can in one day or if all else fails, take a very, very long walk in a direction you haven't been.  

That's today's advice to you. 

"Sad" can't be an ongoing subject.

Hi Honey,

Yesterday was tough.  It was not easy going through a day alone that should have been special for us together.  It should have been the celebration of a milestone in our lives.  While divorce and unhappy marriages abound,  we beat the odds and lived up to our vows in every way imaginable.

The days to come will not be without pain and sadness for me and everyone else that knows and loves you.  Each of us have to deal with that in our own way.

This blog, this...effort to write and share my feelings, must become more than it is.  As the title indicates, sad cannot be an ongoing subject.  Using this forum to walk through the grief process has helped me deal with losing you.  The description of this blog says that it is about love, loss and life.  I have shared stories of our love.  I have spent time talking about this great loss.  I need to spend more time on life.   This will change my writing some but in a positive way.  There is enough happening to keep me writing and there are many things I'd still like to do and places I'd like to visit that will be worth writing about.

Honey, you have been and will continue to be my muse.  Thank you for being my inspiration all these years and even as you are away from me.

To all those who have been following our story, thank you for your support and encouragement.  I hope you will stick with me as I continue writing and sharing my thoughts and experiences.

Can't sleep

I went to bed a little after midnight after a long day of writing a pretty long post that perhaps only a few people will read.  I went to sleep ok.  I took a busy brain pill,  lowered the temperature on the thermostat, put on my bible CD and after a little while drifted into la la  land.  

I've woken up a couple of times for the usual things, going to the bathroom and turning off the glaring blue display of the cd player.  Most of the time I can fall back to sleep.  Often if I've written a very personal post it can make it hard to stay asleep.  I start to think about if it was too much, too sad, too this, too that.

As someone who is enjoying blogging I am trying to figure out how to increase my readership so I worry about that too.  I wonder how I can improve the site.  So if I wake up for a moment I start thinking about these things and then start searching the internet for advice and clues.

Now here I am at 5 in the morning writing about writing.  I visited a few sites and found that there is such a diversity of subjects.  This last post about my 30th anniversary will, I think be a turning point for me.  I can't say that I'll never write about such things again but I think I am ready to move on to lighter fare.

In a couple of hours it will be time for me to get up and start my day so I really need to go back to bed and try to sleep a little more.  I'll probably put on another bible cd and go from there.

Name change?

Would I get more readers/traffic/subscribers if I changed the name of my blog?  When I created it I tried to make it unusual.  Is it time to change it?   I would really like some input on this.   Thanks!

Our 30 year anniversary

To my bride,

I had planned to write this on March 12th, the date of what would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. I'm afraid that I won't have it in me by then so I am doing it now.   Even at that, as I sit here in the quiet of the morning, I don't exactly know what I am going to say.  I'm not sure what I want to say.   If you were here it would be so easy.

We had talked about this on and off ever since our 25th.  We tried to figure out what we could and would want to do and where we would be able to go.  You dreamed of Greece and I being the realist, thought we might spend a few days in Charlotte or at least somewhere closer than the Mediterranean.

I should not be sitting here alone, without you, thinking of what could have been.  But this is the harsh reality of it and there is no more denying that it is true.  I tried that with no positive results.  As I look over at an  issue of Good Housekeeping magazine with your name on the label, it is a reminder that you are not here to read it.  I keep calling them and telling them not to send any more but it is to no avail.  Perhaps, like me, they want you to still be here.




I knew that this was going to be difficult to write.  It is proving to be be more so than I imagined.  My heart is heavy and I have spent many nights tossing and turning, thinking about this day.   Some of my thoughts took me back to the days when we first accepted that we were in love....



As we walked around the department store where we both worked, everyone knew that something had changed in our behavior and the way that we looked at each other.  Even on our days off we sometimes would walk into Burdines to see our friends and what activities they might have planned for that night.  We would be holding hands now and people knew we were "a couple".   Long before there was such a thing as the Hollywood power couples "Bradgelina" or "Bennifer", a friend coined the nickname "Jeffawn" (pronounced like Chiffon) for us because we were always together.  I loved that nickname.  It makes me smile to think about it and to picture us so young and with our whole lives ahead of us to spend together.

It was a struggle, no question.  We barely had enough money between the two of us to pay the bare necessities, but we managed to have a wonderful cruise for our honeymoon and move into a small apartment. That was all such a long time ago but still feels like yesterday.  How could almost 30 years of marriage pass so quickly?

I have come full circle now.  I started without you and here I am again without you.  Such is life I guess.  I suppose it is unavoidable that sometime in the course of a lifetime, one of us would have to let the other go and learn to live that way.  It is easier said than done.

As I write this, I ponder the vows we all take at the moment we are joined.  "Till death do us part" does not seem to mean the same thing that it does now.  During the days leading up to marriage, we may think about whether or not we will really be able to spend the rest of our lives living together.  Those five words merely sound like a very long time.  When you are 23 and 20 and planning a wedding, you don't think about 30 years down the road.  Yes, that is a long time but you have no perception of what that will really be like.   We have spent more time together than we did reaching those ages. More than half of our lives has been with each other.

There was a comfort in being married to you.  When you know you've found the right one and you make that commitment no matter how much difficulty you may encounter, you were there for me and I for you.  There was no more searching for the right one because I found you.  There was no lust for the love of any other women because you were mine.

We've had difficult times and argued over the same things that other couples do.  Those conflicts all seem so pointless now but they are part of life.  It's so easy now, in retrospect, to see how useless they were.  Arguments, though, are often how we learn more about each other and learn who we are individually and as a family.  In a way, we need those conflicts to grow, even as unpleasant and hurtful as they are.


We have produced four fantastic children together.   I never would have believed anyone if they told me I was going to father four children.  It might have been five if not for the miscarriage.  I was watching a movie a couple of nights ago where the wife broke the news to her husband that they were about to have baby number three.   The husband was all happy and excited.  As much as I love our kids and have no regrets, I never reacted that way, even as they were born.  I did not cry or run around hysterically.  I was such an unsentimental person.  Now look at me.  I cry and the end of "It's a wonderful life".

Honey, I am missing you more than ever.  I can see you so clearly when I close my eyes.  I can remember hugging and holding you, kissing you, what it felt like to touch your hair and your face and those times of intimacy.  I can remember the sound of your voice and the way you laughed when something "tickled" you.  I can remember what you looked like when you were excited and how much I did not enjoy looking at you when you were angry.  When I open my eyes all I see now is an empty room.

Before writing this, I tried to think of what I would say.  I thought about what stories I might share that I have not already.  Now the thoughts are all jumbled and out of order.  My waking memories are starting to fade.   The sound of your voice is becoming a thing of the past and I have very little recorded of it.   I hope that the memories of these three years that you were ill also fade.  I only want to remember you healthy.  I plan to immerse myself in photos of days gone by, when you were full of strength and energy, when life, even with it's difficulties seemed like it would last forever.

Of all the people I have ever known if my life, if ever there was any one of them, who without any doubt, I could say is now in Heaven, it is you.   I have never known anyone to love God more than you.  His presence in you was so obvious and so strong.   If there was no one else in Heaven but you and Jesus, it would be enough reason for me to want to be there one day.  I look forward to that time.  From the time I met you, your love for Him was written all over you.  It was a part of you that could not be taken away or separated from you.  Even as you failed to physically overcome the illness that sent you to Heaven, your faith was unshakable.  As many times as my faith has been rattled by life's turmoil, you remained steadfast in your trust in God.  I love and trust Him too and know that one day I will be with Him just as you are now.   Then all this that I am writing now will be meaningless.  Heaven erases any unhappiness or hardship that we are dealt in this world.  I feel sorry for those who don't believe.  What will they have in the end and what can they look forward to?

Again as I sit here to collect my thoughts, I look around at our apartment and see only shadows of what was and in a way it is good.  We moved here when you were already ill but still full of life.  One day I may not live in this particular place and when I look around at where ever that is, there will be no visions of your illness.  I've rearranged everything so as to remove any reminders of that time.  As I pull out photos of the past I will not keep anything that makes me unhappy or reminds me of the fact that you were ever sick.  Why would I want to keep those?  I may not be able to remove those memories from my mind, but I don't need photos of them.  They will be locked up where I cannot see them by accident.  I probably won't throw them away, not yet, but they will not be readily available.

In my room, I have a reminder of one of the greatest days in my life.  That is the day we made our vow to each other.  In a box, carefully cleaned,  preserved, and stored, is your wedding dress and veil.  I found it recently and sent it away to be taken care of.   I keep it where I can see it, not hidden away in a closet.   It has our names on the box and the day we were married.  There is no end date.  It does not have the date you left this world.  The words, till death do us part, is meaningless to me.  I know that in Heaven there will not be marriages but in my heart I will always be your husband.  I still wear my ring and keep yours nearby.  The restoration of your dress is my anniversary gift to you and to myself as well. It is a reminder of the vow we made and the life we shared.  It began our life together, our children's lives and our grand children's.  It represents all that we started together.   So honey, even though our plans have had to change and we cannot go to Greece or Charlotte, Happy Anniversary.
As always I love you and miss you.





So this is where it stands now.  You are in your world and I am in mine.  Neither of us can cross over for a visit or a chat.  If I am lonely it is only for you.  If I lack anything, it is your company.  I intended to post many more photos but I am not able to right now.  Perhaps another time.  I have such memories of us.  I never want them to go away.  





This was difficult to write.  It will be difficult for some to read.  I didn't write it to make anyone sad or feel sorry for me.  It's just how I write.  I don't disguise how I feel when I put my thoughts down.  Make no mistake, we had a great life.  I would not trade a day of it for anything.  God loaned Fawn to me and I am grateful beyond words for the time I had with her.  Now as I move on,  I take the life I had with her along with me,  as much as that is possible.   All the writing in the world cannot do justice to the love we shared.  I am happy to have known her.  I wish everyone could have.

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Fawn used to tell me that she loved this song because it made her think of me.